"Some Slogans Don't Lie"

'And furthermore, if elected, you have my word that The Dude will never, ever ... ."
Oops, sorry. Thought for a minute there that I was running for something. We're all probably suffering from campaign overload after being bombarded for months by political ads.
So many automated telephone pitches came in from candidates last week -- Bill Clinton telling me to vote a straight Democratic ticket or someone else pushing the straight Republican ticket -- that I was actually relieved to get a call from a live person. So what if it was a telemarketer trying to sell me some "pre-need" burial insurance?
Before needing that service, though, I may run for office again. Twenty years ago, in a bid for Rockingham City Council, I received 13 votes. After watching other politicians' missteps, I feel I can double that the next time.
For instance, as a candidate, I promise to never run an ad on television or send you a flier with me posing with my family. Or anyone else's.
Do candidates think idyllic images of them pushing their little crumbsnatchers on a swing set inspire confidence?
If Ward Cleaver is having so much fun playing with The Beav while a voice-over tells how much he wants to do for us once he's elected, my first thought is, "Gee, he's having fun. It'd be a shame to send him to Washington and take him away from his chirren."
You know which candidate really deserves your vote? The one who says "Elect me. PLEASE. So I can get away from this family. They're not even mine."
Elect me, and you never have to worry about Congressman Dude here messing with teenage pages.
Their mommas? Well, we have a committee looking into that issue, and we'll get back to you on that one. (See, I've already got the evasive political lingo down.)
You'll never see Sen. Me posing in a beribboned army uniform, bragging about my years of sacrifice to our country.
OK, I wasn't actually in the Army, but I've seen every episode of "Combat!" at least twice.
Here's another thing sure to win favor with voters. I will never tell you how honorable, moral and pure I am. That way, when you catch me being dishonorable, immoral and impure, you won't be surprised or angry.
Every campaign needs a catchy slogan, so my crackpot staff is working on something to capture the essence of what I stand for. Unfortunately for me, the best campaign slogan ever has already been used. It belonged to former Louisiana Gov. Huey Long, who declared: "Vote for me: I'm not crazy."
After that, the second best belonged to his brother, Earl, also a former Louisiana governor. After being committed to a mental institution, he urged Louisianans to "Vote for Crazy Earl." He was elected twice.
Another Louisiana governor, after losing an arm and a foot fighting in the Civil War, asked people to "vote for what's left of me."
We lack such colorful politicians around here. The best any of ours could possibly come up with would be: "Vote for me: I won't steal your wife."
Oh, yeah. And if elected, I promise to never, ever try to tell a joke.
--Barry Saunders, staff writer for News & Observer