Too Many People In My Head

You need to make a decision.

It's just going to end in heartache.

Are you sure he's really changed?

Being in limbo is okay.

He's crazy about you.

Pick a direction and stick with it.

You need to do what makes YOU happy, not anyone else (i.e. my parents).

We just want you to be happy.

What'll my family think? Will my dad ever accept it? Will my mom ever get over it? Is it worth the fight? All I know is, I haven't given anybody a real, true smile in days...I can't concentrate, don't care about much of anything...I'm not happy. But what will it take to make me happy?

God, why can't I discern Your will??

So Much for That, Eh?

"...I've become so numb I can't feel you there
Become so tired so much more aware
I'm becoming this all I want to do
Is be more like me and be less like you..."
--Linkin Park, "Numb"

"...Be careful what you wish for,
'Cause you just might get it all.
You just might get it all,
And then some you don't want..."
--Daughtry, "Home"

"How do you cool your lips
After a summers kiss
How do you rid the sweat
After the body bliss
How do you turn your eyes
From the romantic glare
How do you block the sound
Of a voice you'd know anywhere
Oh, I really should have known
By the time you drove me home
By the vagueness in your eyes
Casual good-byes
By the chill in your embrace
The expression on your face
That told me
You might have some advice to give
On how to be
Insensitive
How do you numb your skin
After the warmest touch
How do you slow your blood
After the body rush
How do you free your soul
After you've found a friend
How do you teach your heart
It's a crime to fall in love again
Oh, you probably won't remember me
It's probably ancient history
I'm one of the chosen few
Who went ahead and fell for you
I'm out of vogue, I'm out of touch
I fell too fast, I feel too much
I thought that you might have
Some advice to give on how to be
Insensitive..."
--Jann Arden, "Insensitve"

Was I blind? Too trusting? Too assuming? Or just human...
Was it all the real thing? Or just an act? I suppose it's best to assume the first...
This much I know...I lost my best friend/boyfriend in one day, with little to no forewarning. I thought I had a good thing going...but I guess I didn't know so much, after all.
Stupid boy...stupid me...
Pray for me...last week I was detached from it all, but this week I'm feeling really sarcastic and somewhat angry. I just want all the feelings about it gone...

Don't Ask...

I'm tuggin' at my hair
I'm pullin' at my clothes
I'm tryin to keep my cool
I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet
My cheeks are turning red
I'm searching for the words inside my head

And I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

If I could say what I want to say
I'd say I want to blow you--away
Be with you every night
Am I squeezing you too tight
If I could say what I want to see
I want to see you go down--on one knee
Marry me today
Guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time
What use is it to you what's on my mind
If it ain't comin' out we're not going anywhere
So why can't I just tell you that I care

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Tryin' to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...
....
What's wrong with my tongue?
These words keep slipping away
I stutter, I stumble like I've got nothing to say

'Cause I'm feeling nervous
Trying to be so perfect
'Cause I know you're worth it, you're worth it
Yeah...

I guess I'm wishing my life away
With these things I'll never say

These things I'll never say...
--Avril Lavigne, "Things I'll Never Say"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It's just a momentary setback. It'll fade away eventually, right? But WHEN...???

I ask God "Why?"...I get no reply. Am I being told to wait...or is His silence my answer...?

I hate insecurity and uncertainty. But what in life is really a "sure thing"...?

I analyze too much. I read into things too much. When will I learn that it only makes things worse?

It's a rash that won't go away, a disease with no apparent cure...

"I will overcome this. I will!" ~Mr. Darcy (Pride & Prejudice, 1995)

Why is it so hard to just enjoy something and not get attached in the process?

"Oh, but it was just my imagination, runnin' away with me..." ~The Temptations

Cryptic? Maybe. Messed up and pathetic? Most definitely. But they're thoughts I needed to get out of my head, regardless. Now maybe I can get some sleep...
Pray for me, please...

Bad Day + Nice Guy = ???

The day started out good, coming off a really nice weekend...but around 2:00, things started going downhill. It took over an hour to count the money (there's a new way to do it now...new=ridiculously complicated), when it should have only taken 15 or so minutes. ("And my pen SUCKS"-- a fellow county employee, though not a coworker, caught that remark at just the wrong moment...it was just the laugh I needed right then.) And a patron was about to drive me absolutely crazy, needing help every 5 minutes, on really little things that shouldn't have been hard to do by herself. Add a nice guy to the picture (one I'm not interested in, but oh well), and now I've got a possible lunch/supper get-together (it's NOT a date) for this weekend.

Hugh: "So when are we going to go see a movie?"
Me: "I don't know..."
Hugh (jokingly): "So, you think I'm an attacker or something?"
Me (embarrassed): "No, it's not that..."

It was a different sort of day, one I don't care to relive any time soon...On a positive note, though, I now have Seasons 2 and 3 of Friends to watch-- yah! :)-
Mi Casitas opens tomorrow...Mexican food, anyone? :)

People Get Me

So my coworker and I are standing there at the desk this afternoon, ready to help anybody that comes up, and this lady walks around our two sides of the desk, to the third side (which no one is at), to have her things checked out. She had to walk past both of us to get to that side, so she actually exerted herself more than she really had to...what goes through some people's minds? I mean, really...
At one point, it was pouring ran outside, and a lady pulls her car up under the covered walkway, blocking all others' access to the walkway and the bookdrop. She had to be told to move her car...apparently she wasn't planning on moving it until she was actually ready to leave.
Another lady stayed for several hours, oblivious to her kids running around and knocking things over...and oh, how her little girl could scream...
Computers are hot stuff right now...everybody wants to use one, and nobody wants to give theirs up, even after they've been sitting there for two or three hours. They try all sorts of tricks to stay on, like hiding their passes (like that one's gonna work), playing musical chairs, pointing fingers at someone else who's still on the computer...I understand (for the most part) when somebody's working on something major-- a paper, resume, application, etc. But the people that just want to chat and use MySpace all day? All I can say is, GET A LIFE. If you need a computer badly enough to be on it for half a day at a time (at least), then buy yourself a computer. Geez...

Just needed to vent a little...I'm better now... :)

I Miss That Girl...

"Life ain't always beautiful
Sometimes it's just plain hard
Life can knock you down, it can break your heart
Life aint always beautiful
You think you're on your way
And it's just a dead end road at the end of the day
But the struggles make you stronger
And the changes make you wise
And happiness has its own way of takin it's sweet time
No, life aint always beautiful
Tears will fall sometimes
Life ain't always beautiful
But it's a beautiful ride..."
--Gary Allan, "Life Ain't Always Beautiful"

I'm frustrated. I've had a hard time going to sleep lately, no matter how late I stay up, and I can't seem to shut my mind off when I need to. I'm tired of being tired, and being grouchy with people. I'm tired of going home every afternoon in a rather bad mood (though that's not entirely because of my lack of sleep). I've prayed about it at times, and at other times, I feel downright stubborn and just seem to want to fix everything myself. Agh!!
I need a really good, crushing bear hug right now...
In high school-- back before I ever dated anybody-- I was a smiling, cheerful girl most all of the time. Somebody even asked me one time why I smiled so much. I haven't been that girl for some time now...part of it's just growing up and facing the real world, but part of it's my own fault...but I don't know how to get back to that girl again. I've grown a bit pessimistic and sarcastic over the years...what started out as a defense/coping mechanism slowly became a part of my personality the longer I used it. It's definitely not the most attractive part of my personality-- though some do like my sarcasm. :) I want to find my way back to the girl I once was...albeit a more mature version...but the question is how...

Good Grief, Y'all...

Geez, how upset did y'all think I was Saturday night? From the comments I've gotten here, on Facebook, and seen on others' journals, it makes me wonder...Yes, I was ticked off, but it was several things that got me to that point, like being tired, no longer really enjoying myself, and yes, the comment about my family. But I didn't cry over it. It didn't cut me to the quick. Heck, if it had been said in a totally different situation, I might've laughed or just rolled my eyes at it. Put very simply, the timing of it sucked. And I got ticked off. It doesn't happen very often-- I've learned over time how to laugh alot of things off, because nobody likes a person that can't take a joke. And face it, joking is how we get along more often times than not, in that group at least. We can be serious, yes, but the majority of the time, we joke around. For those that felt I left too early, or got upset over something I shouldn't have...I'm sorry. I did enjoy the food, and the company, and I'd love to do it again sometime...maybe it'll work out better next time...for me, at least, since I seem to be the one with a problem...

(Sorry, I had to vent...I really am okay...I promise...)

What About Me?

There's way too many people my age getting married this summer. I keep seeing engagement and wedding announcements in the paper, announcing the May/June/July/August weddings, and it's just making me a bit depressed. I don't want to get married right now, but it would be kinda nice to have somebody to date, every now and then at least, you know? Most days it's all good, don't get me wrong-- being single can have its perks. But when I keep seeing announcements in the paper...all these people I grew up with and went to school with...I get kinda lonely feeling. How come I can't have somebody, too? Sometimes it's hard to remind myself that God knows what He's doing, and that I need to wait on His timing...I'm just a little frustrated at the moment is all...

Really Think About It...

"There's a sensitivity chip missing there." ~Jennifer Aniston
You know who you are...if you don't know what I'm talking about, then it probably isn't you...or on second thought, maybe it is. :)

"...How the hell'd we wind up like this
Why weren't we able
To see the signs that we missed
And try to turn the tables
I wish you'd unclench your fists
And unpack your suitcase
Lately there's been too much of this
But don't think it's too late..."
--Nickelback, "Someday"
There's so much crap going on right now...tension, anger, hurt, miscommunication (or a total lack of communication, depending on who we're talking about)...question is, at what point does a person get tired of it all and say "I quit", and give up trying to reach out to another? How many times do you try to bridge the gap and fail, before you say "Forget it, it's not worth the fight anymore"? When did friends become enemies, or worse, nothing at all? *Just for a little clarification, I'm not just talking about me, though I am included in this web of a mess...

John: [to Amanda] Congratulations. You are still alive. Most people are so ungrateful to be alive. But not you. Not anymore.
--quote from Saw
I can't believe I watched that movie last night, but it does make you think...how much is your life, or the life of another's, worth to you? How far would you go to save your life...or another's?

"We'll Always Be Friends"

I cringe every time I hear this phrase. Granted, I think I've used it a time or two myself. It seems to automatically doom, or jinx, the friendship once it's used. Have you ever noticed that? The few people that I can recall saying that to me in the past have slowly drifted away, some to the point that I never hear from them anymore. Except maybe once in a blue moon. Now, I'm not saying that using that phrase is what causes the friendship fade-out...rather, it's usually an indicator of friendships that aren't as close as they could be, and therefore it's no surprise when the friendship fades out completely after a certain point. Am I making any sense? I don't recall ever telling my closest friends that "we'll always be friends"...I may say that I'll always be there for them, which I mean completely, because I would do anything for a friend. Especially a close friend. Lend a buck, piece of paper, pencil. Give 'em a ride. Or just listen when they need somebody to. Whatever it is...I'll always be there for them. But getting back to what I was saying...what's the real point of telling somebody you'll "always be friends"? For reassurance? If the person is a close friend of mine, I'm not worried that we'll suddenly not be friends. Not all friendships last, but the close ones- some of them at least- stick around for many, many years, if not for a lifetime. When I make a close friendship, I don't let it go easily. But maybe that's just me...surely I'm not the only one like that. I just don't see the point in using that phrase...I guess "I'll always be there for you" is just about the same thing, but...I don't know, I just think it means more to tell somebody that you'll be there for them anytime they need you. Well, as long as you mean it when you say it, that is. Otherwise don't bother saying it.

Somebody used this phrase with me the other day and it just rubbed me wrong...can you tell? LOL.
Thoughts on this?

Off to a Lousy Start

I had a really bad start this morning.
My alarm didn't go off because the power had gone out at some point during the night.
I usually take my sisters to school in the mornings (Mon-Thurs), but because I woke up 10 minutes till I was supposed to take them, my mom had to get out of bed and quickly dress so she could take them. There was no way I'd have been ready.
My ankle was sore from all the walking I did yesterday at Raven Rock with Jessamyn, so I decided to wear different shoes than originally planned, meaning I wanted to change my whole outfit that was to go with it. And it takes me forever to pick out an outfit...
And last, but not least, I was late to work.
What a way to start the morning, huh? But I'm better now, so it's all good. :)-

I went up to Raven Rock with Jessamyn yesterday...we had a chance to catch up on alot of things going on (it's been three or four months since I've seen her), and get some exercise while we were at it. :) I got home just in time to watch the Dancing With the Stars rematch (between John O'Hurley and Kelly Monaco, and their respective dance partners). The results will air Thursday.

We finally got the dishwasher fixed- yah! No more washing dishes all the time! :)-

I love thunderstorms. We had one last night, about the time I headed for bed. There's just something dangerous yet comforting about a good thunderstorm, complete with a decent lightning show, of course. :)-

Girls' Night Out - September 23 :)-

Loneliness Bites

Boring weekend. Nothing interesting.
Saturday was a glum day.
Saturday night and Sunday afternoon were wonderfully peaceful...I feel like God's been trying to work on me alot about some things lately, and I've finally come to accept some of it.
Bible Study was fine...talked to Heather and Holly some...then sat out on the swing by myself for half an hour or so, thinking, listening to the rain and the guys playing basketball outside...idiots for playing in the rain, but hey, to each his own, lol...
I'm tired of feeling lonely. There's never anything to do, anywhere to go. I've never been big on always going places, cause it tires me out pretty quick...I never grew up doing alot of stuff with people...always did stuff with my family, which I accepted. But now...maybe it's my age, maybe it's other things too, but I'm tired of always staying at home. I love my family dearly, and I love doing stuff with them, but...I want to do stuff with other people too. I want to go somewhere even though there's no good reason to, but just because. Regardless of what other people may think as a result. For once, I don't want to care what my parents or anybody else think of me or things I do or say.
So there's this beach trip...I was a major idiot to think my dad would let me go with and stay with a group of guys for a night or so, until everybody else showed up. Dream on, Susan...what was I thinking? So I guess I get his reasoning behind that...I wanted to go to the beach so bad is all, I guess. 'Course, my dad doesn't even really see a reason for me to go on Sunday, either, since I'll be coming right back later on that same day. I think he'd be thrilled if I just stayed home all the time and never hung out with people. My family will probably be going to the beach in September, turns out...that's just great, another beach trip with the family.
I want to go to the movies.
I want to check my email in the morning and find one really good email.
I want to have something to do this week.
I want to go out on a date. With a hot guy, preferably. :)
I don't want to lead anybody on or be led on my anybody...well, actually, I might not mind leading on some poor, unsuspecting soul, cause I'm in that kind of mood at the moment... :)- Shame on me.
I want to be cool with staying home with my family, content with who I am and what I stand for. Comfortable in my own skin.
I want to take a vacation. Without my family. Even if it's only for a day or so. Heather, if you ever wanna go to the beach for the day, or overnight one night, let me know... :)
I want to have a crush on somebody. Be interested in somebody that's interested back.
I want to go to House Party and the Rascal Flatts concert in September, even though they're only a week apart.
I want to be like everybody else, yet I don't...I want to be cool with not drinking or cussing or getting a million tatoos or piercings...I want to be totally sure of what I believe in....actually, I don't even want to have to have a reason to deal with any of those issues to begin with...
I want to be decisive, instead of so darn indecisive about things.

Blogging is my therapy when I've had a crappy day...there's something about being able to pour out your thoughts and emotions into something akin to a personal journal, except that it's not that personal, 'cause anybody can read it and then know what you're thinking...but I've found that it's a good stress reliever, a way to release thoughts that otherwise I can't seem to get rid of or stop thinking about...now that I've done just that, I think I'll head to bed...
"Every day is a new day, with no mistakes in it." ~ Anne of Avonlea (one of the best movies of all time, in my opinion, lol)

Stupid Drivers

Some drivers are just plain idiots...no common sense...especially those young, first-time drivers. Like today, for instance, when a young teenager that just recently had gotten his license pulled out in front of a fast-approaching tow truck and got hit. Not only did his car get hit, but the force of the tow truck that hit it caused the car to spin around and go up the embankment and hit the right side of a car sitting in the parking lot where I work, which in turn hit my car. So now my car is dented and scratched, all because of some young driver that couldn't wait for a tow truck to pass by before pulling out. I am thankful, however, that I didn't park in that last space, or my car would've been the one with a smashed-in side- still drivable, but nonetheless a wreck. I was lucky to get by with a stupid dent and scratches. The guy that caused the wreck had to be cut out of his car because his front end was really scrunched up, so he fared even worse. He was awake and talking some when they whisked him off in the ambulance, so I guess he'll be okay. What an afternoon...

This weekend was much better than this afternoon turned out to be. I watched White Chicks with Heather on Saturday afternoon...that movie was hilarious- I had to go back and watch certain scenes over again, especially the dancing scene...I wish I had enough spunk to dance like that on occasion, lol. I spent time with my Grandma and Papa on Sunday afternoon, then hung around the house, being lazy. :)-

People make no sense sometimes...

"Never put a question mark where God has put a period." ~John R. Rice

"Never, never pin your whole faith on any human being: not if he is the best and wisest in the whole world. There are lots of nice things you can do with sand; but do not try building a house on it." ~C.S. Lewis

Where to Begin...

I'm so stressed right now...I have about a million things to do with schoolwork over the next 2 or so weeks...add to that the whole stupid Bible Study deal that shouldn't even have become a problem to begin with...everyone's concluded that Josh and I need to talk, and I agree...but at the pace my life is going right now, it may take a couple of weeks to get to that, which isn't really the ideal situation, but hey, where else can I fit it in? I just want it all to go away. I want everybody to get along...I want peace to exist between me and Josh...I want all the schoolwork to die down just a little, long enough for me to take a deep breath and be able to stay afloat...

God, please give me the peace I'm needing at this moment...give me the patience and strength to continue to endure through these trials...I know that nothing is impossible with You and that You can change any situation into a better one...please keep me focused on You and the things that are most important...I can do anything as long as I have you as my strength, my guide, my protector and my provider...thank You for getting me to this point, and continuing to lead me and guide me in the direction(s) I need to go...I surrender this situation to You, Lord, and all my burdens with schoolwork as well...I know that You'll make happen what needs to happen...

Prayer's a must...

Confused and Annoyed

As of May 9th, 2005 (unless something goes horribly wrong between now and then), I will be a graduate of Campbell University, with a bachelor's degree in Business Administration...meaning that the "real world" is just around the corner for me. The thought excites me, but scares me at the same time. I'm excited because I'll be done with school...no more tests, papers, projects, presentations- I can't wait. But I'm also scared...maybe uncertain is a better word...about my future after I graduate. Since I decided I had no desire any longer to be a teacher back in high school, I've been clueless as to what I want to do with my life. Everybody keeps saying that it's okay to be that way, that I've got plenty of time to figure it out. Somehow, though, it's not very reassuring. Sure, I've got a job right now, one that I can continue in for just about as long as I want to really, and there's a fairly good chance that it'll become full time not long after I graduate. This is where my annoyance comes in. I don't know how many people- more than enough regardless- have made comments to me lately about how the job I currently have is a good "starting point" and that I'm sure to find a better one later on...not that exact wording, of course, but you get the idea. Everybody that's made a comment like that means well, I know, but I'm beginning to feel like my job isn't "good enough", and I don't like it. I enjoy my job...I don't know if I'll always remain there, but I'm happy and content working there, which I think is one of the most important things to take into consideration when looking for a job. Sure, money's nice, but I was never brought up to spend lavishly or go places all the time...it's not the most important thing to me. I don't want to stress out about my job, and have to carry that stress home with me every day. I want a job that ends at 5:00 (or whatever time), and I don't have to really think about it again till the next day. I've prayed many a night about what I should do with my life...it's one of those things I know that I must leave in God's hands and allow Him to guide me on...but it's easier said than done.
I just want to know what to do with my life...why is it such a hard thing for me to figure out?

Sounding Off

Took my fifth final at the crack of dawn this morning...I think I did okay on it, but you can't be too sure, seeing as how it's 100% problems...I'd thought I did good back on when we took the midterm but turned out I had to go talk to the professor afterwards to get that one straightened out, so who knows, can't be positive that this one went okay...that and the fact that the only two grades in the whole class were the midterm grade and the final, nothing else...but it's okay, it's over and done with, that's all that counts to me... :)
My professor still hasn't put up the material I need to fully study for her final that I'm supposed to be taking tomorrow afternoon...
I'll be glad when my stupid allergies stop botherin' me...I'm either stuffy or tired or my nose won't quit runnin', yada yada yada...or a combination...they seem even worse on rainy days like today...what a sucky-looking day...
And to top off my day, because I was stupid enough to get to work early (although not for the purpose of starting work early, mind you), I'm told that I have to start work an hour early so another staff member can go have her lunch...I'm getting a little tired of being bossed around...if you ask me to do something nicely (as in "could you..." and "please"), I usually don't have a problem with it...but when you tell me "do this", I get just a bit ticked off...I never used to get bossed around like this, especially not so someone could have lunch when they wanted, instead of being flexible and just working the dang hour and then taking lunch when others are around...when do I get to eat, huh? Does that mean I get to get off work an hour early, since I started earlier? Brother...
Hope everybody else's day is going better than mine seems to be... :(

Guys

Pretty Woman- great song, good movie (except for the language and certain scenes)...I love Julia Roberts and Richard Gere (which would probably be a reason why I love Runaway Bride as well, lol)...
Guys make no sense. Someone told me recently that you can't trust any guy 100%...maybe 99%, but not the full 100...gotta have a little suspicion there to keep them on their toes and keep them behavin'...I disagreed at first, but I'm beginning to think it makes some sense. What makes a guy- or any person for that matter- think they can lie to someone that means alot to them, whether it be a friend, family member, or something more than that...nobody's worth any less than another...how is it so easy to treat someone like crap? Are people just raised wrong these days, or is there just something psychologically wrong with them? Maybe it's just because we're all human- not that it's any excuse to behave the way we do these days, but still...There's a couple of guys in my life right now (well...in my life? It's more like I run into them from time to time...once were friends, now who knows what they are...) who just completely baffle me. Say one thing, do another...talk one way, walk another...most would say they're just typical guys, acting like jerks and letting their hormones and what all lead them to do what they do, but...when they've always been a certain way, then completely act like someone else, I have a hard time not believing that there's more to it. 'Course, I'm still pretty young, haven't dated too much yet, so maybe I don't know much of anything yet... :)
...I'd just like to find one guy, just one, that is truly trustworthy in this day and age...one that won't act right for awhile and then turn on you, stab you in the back, run over you, etc...
What a shame, and what a waste of my time...ah well, you live and you learn...